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Presenter John Humphrys (second L) in the studio of the The Today programme at the BBC. Photograph: Graeme Robertson 7am: It's 7am on Friday 5th November. Good morning. This is Today for one day only with Simon Jeffery and Lucy Mangan.

In the absence of the BBC's own Today programme we'll be with you on this live blog from 7am until 9am unless ...

... unless well, that thing is true about the nuclear submarine commanders getting orders to assume that in the absence of the Today programme Great Britain is no more and the only recourse is to unleash nuclear armageddon. If so, we hope we get two or three minutes warning. If it comes to that, seriously now people, quit reading this live blog and call people you love. In the end, love is all we have.

But while we'll all still here and unvapourised - and seeing as the submarines appear to have been ok with Today's first missing hour from 6-7am, it's looking good so far - here are the headlines this morning.

• Thousands of BBC journalists are on strike this morning in a dispute over pensions which has caused chaos to radio and television schedules. Radio 4's Today programme is off air and flagship TV news bulletins including Newsnight and BBC Breakfast will be affected. The National Union of Journalists general secretary Jeremy Dear said "NUJ members across the BBC have consistently dubbed the proposals 'a pensions robbery'. That hasn't changed. The BBC have now left members with no choice but to take action to defend their pensions."

Dan Sabbagh is our media editor and we'll have more from him later.

• At least 49 people have been killed in the latest eruption of the Mount Merapi volcano in Indonesia. Almost 100 people are now said to have been killed in the disaster and hundreds are still fleeing from their homes.

• A plane has crashed in Cuba killing all 68 people on board. The Aero-Caribbean aircraft crashed as it was flying from the eastern city of Santiago de Cuba to the capital Havana, according to state media

• The CEO of Qantas has announced in a press conference in Sydney that there was a possible fault in the engine of the Airbus 380 which had engine failure yesterday

• and Michael Jackson's posthumous album will be released on December 14. Entitled, Michael, it is not yet clear which material it will contain

7.14am: It's now 14 minutes past seven. China is, as we all know, the world's emerging powerhouse, which means that relations between the UK and China are more important than ever. But it's not always an easy one. To help improve it, David Cameron is leading the largest ever delegation to China next week.

Tania Branigan is our correspondent in Beijing. Tania.

2010 saw a rocky start to relations between Britain and China, as Beijing cancelled a human rights dialogue following London's protests over the execution of Akhmal Shaikh, the Briton executed for drug smuggling despite strong evidence of serious mental illness.

But both sides hope it will end rather better: David Cameron will arrive here on Tuesday with the largest ever British delegation. George Osborne, Vince Cable, Michael Gove and Chris Huhne will round out the team, along with around 50 business people. The focus is on partnership and that word beloved of China's leadership – harmony.

Good relations are more important than ever for Britain given the tough economic outlook. While China's growth may have slowed – in part because the leadership sought to rein it in - it remains the envy of all other major economies. But London believes it has something to offer Beijing too: its commitment to open markets makes it a useful partner as the spectre of protectionism looms.

Human rights will still play a small part; Cameron will reportedly raise the case of Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo, jailed for co-authoring a call for democratic reforms. China says he is a criminal and has reportedly pressed European governments to shun the award ceremony and avoid statements of support.

But the British will hope that has minimal impact on the first prime ministerial visit for almost three years, and – from an economic point of view – arguably the most important for a long time.

7.19am: It's 19 minutes past seven. You are reading Today for one day only and coming up in the next half hour we have Michael White's paper review, Polly Toynbee's Thought for the Day and the sport.

7.25am: Twenty five minutes past seven. Over to Graeme Wearden on our business desk.

Its a busy morning in the City, where the Royal Bank of Scotland, have just reported financial results for the third quarter of 2010. RBS, which is 84% owned by the taxpayer, made a pre-tax loss of £1.38bn between July and September - mainly due to the way it values its own debt and pays for the government guarantee of its bad loans through the asset protection scheme.

Stephen Hester, the chief executive, would rather the City ignored those elements and focused on a £726m operating profit for the third quarter. In his words "accounting treatment of some balance sheet items is volatile and can sometimes obscure our underlying story".

The bank has quantified the tax it will have to pay for George Osborne's bank levy for the first time - £225m-£250m in 2011, rising to approximately £350-£400m in 2012. The investment bank, which always faces controversy because of the bonuses that it pays out,
suffered a 20% fall in revenues in the third quarter but only a 3% fall in "expenses" suggesting that the bonus pool is still mounting.

Another UK high street bank, HSBC, is due to announce its third-quarter results at 8.15am.

• We're also had results from Rentokil this morning, which warned of tough trading conditions - especially for its City Link parcel delivery arm.

• There's better news from Carphone Warehouse, though,
which has announced it will start paying a dividend to shareholders.

• City traders believe that shares are likely to keep rising in London today, with stockmarkets across Asia already enjoying a good day - Japan's Nikkei gained 3% at one stage. IG Index has predicted that the FTSE 100 will jump by 26 points to 5889 when trading begins at 8am - which would be its highest level since June 2008. There is still a
sense of optimism following the $600bn quantitive easing package announced by the US Federal Reserve on Wednesday night. QE2, as it's been dubbed, has weakened the US currency. Sterling is still hovering around a nine-month high against the dollar, trading at
$1.6222 this morning.

• Later today we'll also get a fresh snapshot of the situation in America's troubled employment market. The non-farm payroll, due at 12.30pm GMT, is expected to show that 60,000 new jobs were created in October across America. Sounds good on paper, but economists warn that it's only half the number needed just to keep the unemployment rate
steady.

7.28am: It's now 28 minutes past seven. You're reading Today for one day only.

Here is Michael White and Paul MacInnes with the paper review.

If you move the computer nearer the bathroom, you can maybe listen to this one in the shower.

7.45am: It's quarter to eight and here is Sean Ingle with the sport. Sean.

Good morning Simon. Although it's hardly a pleasant one for Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini, whose side lost 3-1 away at Lech Poznan in Poland last night.

That's City's third successive defeat on the bounce and the usually sauve Mancini seems to be feeling the pressure, telling reporters afterwards: "At the moment everything is against us."

Lech Poznan's Artjoms Rudnevs challenges for the ball against Manchester City's Dedryck Boyata. Photograph: Kacper Pempel/Reuters

Mancini also seemed at a loss to explain how Poznan won, claiming: "They had nothing we did not. We had more chances than Poznan to score. It's better that these things happen now that we are still first in this group and fourth in the Premier League. We have 20 good players and we can change this but only if we stay together."

Come together more like, judging by the squallid newspaper headlines about boozing sessions at student parties and squad in-fighting in recent days.

However another under-pressure manager, Liverpool boss Roy Hodgson, will be a much happier man this morning after his side came from a goal down to beat Napoli 3-1 - although he was grateful to his captain Steven Gerrard, who scored a thunderous hat-trick after coming on at half-time. "We owe a big debt of gratitude to him," said Hodgson, using the royal 'we', "but he'd be the first to join me and say it was a good team performance in the second half. We deserved to win the game."

Meanwhile down under, England have made a solid start to their first match of the Ashes tour against Western Australia. The hosts, who won the toss and elected to bat, are 156-4 after 57 overs with Stuart Broad taking three wickets for England. We'll hopefully have the latest from David Hopps in Perth in an hour's time.

7.48am: It's now 12 minutes to eight and its time for Thought for the Day. The writer is Polly Toynbee.

Good news: a report this week shows the number of donated organs for transplant has risen to its highest ever level. This is partly driven by a government campaign since 2008 that added 200 specialist transplant nurses to Intensive Care Units, encouraging families of the dying to save the lives of others.

Less good news is that three people die every day waiting on the growing transplant list. Only 28% of people have signed up to the Organ Donor Register to make sure the corneas, livers, kidneys or other body parts they no longer have any use for can save the sight or the lives of several other people.

Why not? Many are squeamish at the thought of having their own or their loved ones cut up after death. Opinion polls show virtually everyone would accept an organ if they needed one, but very many fewer are easy with the idea of giving bits of their dead bodies.

Why is that? Some primitive refusal to accept death, a denial that this precious body – our own or a loved ones' - really is nothing when the breath of live has left it. But it will rot or burn anyway, unless you're into cryogenics or mummification. Consign it to the grave or the crematorium and there goes the chance of giving someone else the life that you have lost. It should be easiest thing on earth to give away something you will never have any use for. How much saner it would be to presume that organs can be taken from that anyone who has not specifically registered a refusal to donate – but such is the timorousness of politicians they would rather let three patients a day die than present the robust rational case.

The great advantage of writing this here instead of broadcasting a Thought for the Day is that all of you reading this have no excuse now not to click on this link and add your name to the official Organ Donor Register, RIGHT NOW!

7.51am: Right, I'm on deck, eager to play my part in this historical event - offering you a splendiferous alternative to the Today programme for - um - today. Think of me as Evan Davies without the piercings. Although frankly, if it's a slow news day, anything could happen by the end of the morning.

Speaking of whom, although the great man himself is not in the studio, happily he is tweeting. Apparently his partner "is worryingly enthusiastic about the programme on birdlife in The Wash which is replacing strike-hit @r4today." Didn't hear it myself as I've been too busy trying to sleep-read the papers on the train on the way in since 6am, but I'm glad SOMEONE'S having a good time.

7.55am: Five minutes to eight and we now go over to Lee Glendinning in our Sydney weather centre for the weekend weather ahead, Lee ...

Link to this video

Apologies for the lack of light on Lee's face in the weather centre / her flat. I'm sure Lord Reith had these kinds of troubles too.

8am: peep peep peeeeiiiiip. It is 8am on Friday 5 November and you are reading Today for one day only. For headlines, scroll down to the entry at 7am.

8.05am: Five minutes past eight. The big news out of the United States this week has of course been the Democrats' drubbing in the midterm elections. But what does that mean for Barack Obama. We go over to Richard Adams in Washington for more. Richard

Fallout from the US midterm elections continues as the Democrat and Republican parties jockey for position. There was some good news for the Democrats as the final results come in: late last night Patty Murray was declared the winner of the Washington state Senate election, defeating Republican Dino Rossi by 51% to 49%. That leaves the Democrats total in the 100-seat Senate at 53, while it's the third time Rossi has lost an election by a narrow margin. In 2004 he lost the Washington governorship race by just 133 votes.

With the midterm elections out of the way American politicians can get down to the serious task of speculating about the 2012 presidential election, and especially the identify of the candidates. But two people were more concerned with denying that they were in the running.

One favourite for the Republican nomination is New Jersey governor Chris Christie, although he insists he's not interested. "Short of suicide, I don't really know what I'd have to do to convince you people that I'm not running," Christie told reporters at a press
conference. "I've said I don't want to. I'm not going to. There is zero chance I will."

So that's a maybe, governor?

For Hillary Clinton, questions about her presidential ambitions followed her all the way to New Zealand, where she curtly ruled out running in 2012 or 2016 after being questioned by journalists during her visit there.

But it didn't seem to make any difference to New Zealand's gaffe-prone prime minister John Key, who described her as "President Clinton" while thanking her at a joint press conference in Wellington yesterday.

8.10am: It's 10 past eight and you are reading Today for one day only. We are supposed to have a heavyweight political interview at this point - except we lost Michael Gove's number so that's all fallen a bit behind schedule. But expect Gove some time before 9am (this really is harder than it looks – our admiration for the Today staff is growing by the second.)

8.12am: Twelve minutes past eight. One bonus of our stumbling attempts to cover all the news in two hours, is (plainly, see 8.10am) to demonstrate how good our colleagues at Today are.

To explain why the NUJ is striking at the BBC this morning, the Guardian's Paul MacInnes spoke to Radio 4 Media Show presenter and media analyst Steve Hewlett.

That's one you can maybe listen to over breakfast.

8.14am: You're reading Today for one day only, it's 14 minutes past eight. Our correspondent Tim Dowling is just catching up with some of the newspaper stories that Michael White missed. Tim,

The Guardian reports that an Channel 4 has scrapped an instalment of the daytime game show Countdown after a contestant, presented with the letters D,T, C, E, I, A, S, H and F, came up with the 8-letter word SHITFACE.

Photograph: Channel 4

The 9-letter SHITFACED apparently did not occur to him. His answer was sadly deemed inappropriate for a daytime audience, as indeed this story probably would be for the Today programme. Not here, though.

The Daily Mail, meanwhile, claims that the government's migration cap contains a loophole exemption which could see the UK flooded with foreign DJs, magicians, models, ice hockey coaches, acupuncturists and polo grooms. The Telegraph says that David Beckham is "hoping to become an American citizen" and the Times has some kind of paywall that stops you looking at the website unless you pay a quid, so the hell with them."

8.17am: I wonder how many strikes over pensions by various institutions and corporations across the nation there have to be before the importance of having such a thing impresses itself sufficiently on my consciousness for me to sort one out?

8.20am: It's 20 minutes past eight. One of the less noticed consequences of the war in Afghanistan is the sharp rise in soldiers losing their limbs.

Amelia Gentleman talks to Paul MacInnes.

Thank you, Amelia

8.24am: Would Michael Gove have crossed the BBC picket lines if he still worked there?

Yes he would he tells Allegra Stratton in our 8.24am interview.

Gove says the Today programme can be an "irritating presence" but "like test matches, like the proms, like the Malvern hills, is just part of the British landscape so it is a pity we are not getting it this morning."

8.28am: It had to happen. Lawson-lust is about to bankrupt the country. I paraphrase slightly, but that is what I glean from the new figures released by ICM which say that the average cost of a new kitchen is now £3,950, up 45% in the last five years, apparently in an attempt to ape celebrity chefs.

And that's before you add in the cost of strewing the place with fairy lights and stocking your walk in larder with organic pasta shapes, polished capers and poor women's dreams. Meanwhile the Building Cost Information Service offers an additional little amuse-bouche by estimating that the cost of new kitchens put into houses worth £1m is between £11,110 and £104,000.

As someone who is currently trying to repaint grey melamine doors hanging off sad, sad plywood frames that haunt my dreams, begging in dry, dusty, degraded-glue voices to be put out of their misery, in a colour that doesn't make me retch every time set foot in my own kitchen, these are figures that make me feel like I missed a memo somewhere along the line.

A life memo. One that explains how to make the choices in which the world of six-burner stoves, double ovens and - yes! yes! - fairy lights on every surface becomes possible. It can't be too late.

8.33am: It's 33 minutes past eight and here is Will Hayler with today's racing tips.

Now just imagine some banter between Will and I to complete the Today for one day only experience

8.36am: It's 36 minutes past eight.There's been a third night of rioting at a prison complex in South Yorkshire. Helen Carter sent us this report...

After two nights of rioting at Moorlands Young Offenders' Institution, the disturbances spread to an adult unit on the same site near Doncaster, South Yorkshire.

Prison Service chief executive Michael Spurr said additional staff were being sent to the prison "to ensure stability".

A total of 166 prisoners are being transferred to other prisons across the country after officers in riot gear, known as Tornado response teams, were called in to restore order for the third night. One prisoner was seriously injured and was taken to hospital for treatment.

The Prison Service said a third incident occurred last night at Moorland prison, on the male adult Category C side, when prisoners started throwing objects and damaging the wing. By 1.25am, all prisoners had surrendered and 166 are being removed to other establishments.

Spurr added: "We have a good record of maintaining order and security in our prisons and are therefore taking these incidents extremely seriously in order to learn lessons."

8.38am: Now with details of tomorrow's Saturday Guardian we now go to Kath Viner. Good morning, Kath

Good morning Lucy. I'm here with a jokey interlude. Is this all a bit scabby? Not for me, obviously, as my bit is pre-recorded. Don't call me Kath on air please, it's Katharine. Shame Garry Richardson isn't here, he's excellent. Asks good questions. Friendly voice. A fresh approach to the racing tips. And that hair!

Photograph: Dave Hogan/Getty Images

Enough of these chuckles. In your Saturday Guardian tomorrow. We have Take That's first interview as a fivesome - a bit of a scoop, like Evan's Jay Z "can you recommend a rap piece?" interview the other day. Anne Enright on why Irish writers are so good at short stories. Sheryl Crow on her adoptions. An Arctic adventure. The real people behind Twitter spoofs (they're all middle-aged men). Robbie Savage: the unlikely voice of reason in football. And there should be some news, too, provided it knows how to happen without the BBC watching. I'm chuckling, as I understand is required at this point. The Saturday Guardian: you'd be mad to miss it! On sale from first thing tomorrow.

8.42am: Over to Tim Dowling who is live on the line with David Beckham...

According to the Daily Mail, former England captain David Beckham is seeking US citizenship. But what are the implications for his career, not to say his vast fortune? We're now joined live from LA by Mr Beckham himself, who can hopefully shed some light on the story. "Hello David, and welcome. First of all, is it true? Are you really
seeking US citizenship?

David?... can you hear me David? David?

Ah. Oh dear. Apparently we've lost David due to technical difficulties. We'll try to get him for you and bring you that interview later in the programme..."

8.43am: It's 17 minutes to nine, you are reading Today for one day only and here is Sean Ingle with the sport.

Hello again. And, as promised earlier, it's over to David Hopps in Perth for the latest news from England's tour match against Western Australia.

Good morning David, so how are England getting on in the first day of their Ashes Tour? A tough day, and not a particularly exciting one, but one that has turned out well for England. Stuart Broad launched the tour in perfect fashion by taking two Western Australian wickets before they had a run on the board. Notts' Adam Voges made 72 as Western Australia fought back, but they are currently 201-6. Very much England's day.

And what about Jimmy Anderson, who is playing his first game since cracking a rib sparring with Chris Tremlett on a pre-Ashes bootcamp? England's insistence that Anderson's boxing injury had been exaggerated has been backed up by his display today. He stepped things up the day progressed, took a deserved wicket, and as long as he suffers no reaction, worries that he won't be fit for Brisbane have been removed.

Photograph: William West/AFP/Getty Images

I see England picked Ian Bell ahead of Eoin Morgan. Is that a pointer to their thinking ahead of the first Test, which starts in just 20 days' time? Do you expect the team that is out there today to face Australia come Brisbane? Andrew Strauss indicated that England would field their likeliest Test X1 in Perth. So that may mean no place for Eoin Morgan in Brisbane unless another batsman looks totally out of form. As for the bowlers, Steve Finn will need to prove his right to a place ahead of Chris Tremlett.

Finally, how much do warm-up matches ultimately matter? Historically do they provide any significant pointers to what's to come during the Ashes? The last England coach Duncan Fletcher preferred 14 a side on England's last tour and they lost 5-0, so it's a relief to see England playing proper tour games again. But as long as they don't lose heavily – which really would be a worry – it's not the results that matter as much as the preparation.

Thanks David. Elsewhere, Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has insisted he will not resign despite his side losing their third game in a row, a 3-1 away defeat at Lech Poznan last night. "For me it is totally clear. I will stay at City until they fire me," he said. "I have seen the owner Sheikh Mansour two or three times and we have a very good relationship." But, given his record at this stage of the season is worse than Mark Hughes' last season, and the rumours of strife and unrest at the club, he clearly faces a bumpy ride.

Which brings us nicely on to racing. The Breeders' Cup meeting starts tonight at Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky, and our racing correspondent Greg Wood goes for Harmonious in the big race, the Breeders' Cup Filly Mare Turf. How Mancini must crave some of that.

8.48am: More than a million Poles left the country and headed for richer corners of Europe - mostly Britain - when the country joined the EU in
2004. Now Poland wants some of them back. Helen Pidd sent this report

Last night some of the top earning Poles in the UK were invited to a glossy event at the Polish embassy in London to persuade them that their native land has changed for the better since they left the motherland.

These high-fliers were told that while Britain braces itself for a double-dip recession, the Polish economy is now growing faster than the economy of the whole Euro zone and 1.5% faster than the average growth of all EU members. Plus Poland is currently creating more
professional white collar jobs than the UK, according to literature handed out at last night's event.

Polish Professionals in London (PPL), a networking group for upwardly young Poles in the City, reports a "three-fold increase in vacancies since January this year, as well as a sharp increase in the number of Polish professionals who seek our help in relocating to their country."

"Poland suddenly became an interesting career choice," said Christopher Hume, managing director of AER International, a recruitment agency specialising in enticing expatriate Poles to return home.

How long before Britons are heading to Warsaw in search of work?

8.50am: And now over to Andrew Sparrow, who has been speaking to the former Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell about tuition fees.

The Liberal Democrats should not pretend that they agree with the Conservatives about everything. At least, that's the view of Sir Menzies Campbell, who told me this:

Where there are genuine differences, I think we should be comfortable expressing them. The public are not fools. The public don't imagine that there's been a merger. Anyone who has been following the local government results since May will know that there have been many occasions where the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives have fought each other in local government byelections. That's taking place, maybe at a grassroots level and not immediately obvious to the Westminster village. Our singularity we are maintaining. I have not ceased to be a Liberal Democrat simply because we've found it necessary to join a coalition designed primarily for the purpose of restoring economic stability in this country.

Campbell reaffirmed his commitment to vote against the government's plans to raise tuition fees.

I was asking if I would sign a document giving an undertaking [to vote against an increase in tuition fees]. I did so in the full glare of publicity. I had my photograph taken. I was surrounded by students when my photograph was taken. I've explained I'm the chancellor of St Andrews University with a particular obligation towards students. Having done that I've decided that I should maintain promise.

But Ming is reluctant to say what he thinks the party as a whole should be doing. It's up to other Lib Dem MPs to decide for themselves, he said.

The full interview will be available on Guardian.co.uk by 2pm. For anyone missing Yesterday in Parliament, we offer a link to yesterday's Andrew Sparrow politics live blog.

8.54am: Weather-out-the-window: I can say with full meteorological certainty that in N1 9GU, it is warm but quite grey. Reports from Mr Mangan in south-east London are that "it's a bit damp but the cats have gone out" and in Preston, my auntie Judy "is wearing her good coat". Which may mean it's cold but dry or it may mean that she's off out tonight. She doesn't know how to answer her mobile so I'm afraid I cannot clarify.

8.55am: Simon Hattenstone, the Guardian's very own Kirsty Young, sends this breaking news. And sport. And arts . . .

I was going to provide you with some news but I'm secondary picketing. However, I did hear from somebody in the know (is that correct news style, and sufficiently double sourced?), that a pilot yesterday vening refused to carry a would-be deported aslyum seeker home to his possible death. This is the second pilot within a week to come out against Britain's inhumane asylum policy (please insert neutral tone) Although it could be argued that he refused to carry the asylum seeker because he didn't want the kerfuffle on his flight because it brings bad publicity to the airline. Now for the latest sport – Manchester City lost their third game on the trot last night, proving that wealth, health and success are not always natural bedfellows. Now for the weather. It's getting lighter, but still quite grey and the old
gas works are clearly visible. It was 8.39am just a few minutes ago which takes us to our arts correspondent, who happens to be me – well the new Mike Leigh film got five stars in the Guardian today, but I still reckon the Kids Are All Right is a better bet (lesbians, straights, kids, domestic bliss, domestic hell you name it) even though it only got four stars last week

8.58am: Our correspondent Ian Cobain is on his way to the High Court where lawyers for 100 Iraqi men who say they were severely mistreated after being imprisoned by British forces are demanding a public inquiry. He sends this...

The men say they were beaten, starved, deprived of sleep and subjected to sensory deprivation while being detained at a secret interrogation centre that operated near Basra between 2003 and 2008. The Ministry of Defence says the allegations are unproven and insists it can investigate the matter itself. But lawyers for the men question whether any MoD investigation will be independent and effective.

9am: It's 9am you are listening to Today for one day only – and we are still going because we really have no idea whatsoever how to schedule or time this stuff. It's hard.

So here is a shipping forecast

Hope that helps any sailors out there. (And nuclear submariners - we really want to know you're still out there with us)

9.06am: We're now crashing hopelessly into the rerun of Desert Island Discs, but here's Lucy with more news.

The claim by former Countryfile presenter Miriam O'Reilly that she lost her job because the BBC was keen to bring in younger female presenters instead becomes more intrguing the more I look at it. The two main accusations of ageism are that she was warned by director Dean Jones that "you're going to have to be careful about those wrinkles when high definition comes in" and offered black spray dye when a cameraman mistook her scalp for white roots.

O'Reilly is - and this is relevant to the upcoming point, so don't start bristling before you need to - a lovely looking woman. So the fear really does seem to be identifiable specifically as a fear of older women. Or women looking older. Or possibly of women looking as if they are not frightened of getting older. Sometimes I think this last is the real fear behind such (alleged) comments. Botox and plastic surgery, after all, don't actually make you look youthful. They make you look like you've had Botox or plastic surgery. But they also say 'You've got me. I'm worried, I'm vulnerable, I'm willing to play the game." It's the suggestion of a willingness to conform that makes it attractive.

That said, I've just seen what I look like when I get up at 5 in the morning after three hours' sleep and I'm off to dip my head in a bucket of haemorrhoid cream. They say it tightens everything marvellously - as, I suppose, a moment's thought or study of the traditional application process would suggest.

9.09am: Nine minutes late, and there's still loads to get through. (How do they do it?).

Ahead of the Burmese elections on Sunday, we sent a reporter undercover to talk to people on the ground in a country that is resigned to the continuing rule of the military junta.

Our reporter travelled across the country, talking to people in roadside teashops, safehouses and secure hotel rooms. Our man describes the election as being everywhere and nowhere. Everywhere in subtle references: to unreliable electricity, to untraceable taxes, to unremitting poverty.

It is nowhere because to talk openly of politics, to post a sign, to wear a T-shirt with a slogan is to invite trouble. And, of course, the most famous name in Burmese politics will not be on any ballot paper.

Nevertheless, Nobel peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi looms large still in the hearts and minds of the Burmese people, despite spending 15 of the last 20 years at the hands of the country's military rulers. Return to the site later to read our vital dispatch on the state of the nation ahead of elections that can at best be described as a sham.

9.18am: It's eighteen minutes past nine and there's a load more foreign news to cram in (John Humphrys never said that).

• Harriet Sherwood in Jerusalem reports that Israeli authorities have finally allowed four submachine guns into Gaza for the protection of John Ging, the head of the main UN agency in the besieged Palestinian territory. The UN requested permission to import the weapons three years ago following an assassination attempt by extreme militant groups, and it has just been granted now.

Photograph: Dan Chung

• Ai Weiwei – China's best-known artist and creator of Tate Modern's current "sunflower seeds" installation - has announced he is under house arrest after saying he would hold a banquet to mark the demolition of his newly built Shanghai studio. The authorities say he built it illegally but earlier this week he told the Guardian that he believed the decision was political – he has frequently annoyed officials by campaigning on sensitive issues. Ai tweeted this lunchtime that national security officers had visited him to say he could not leave his home in Beijing until midnight on Sunday – the day he had been due to hold the party. "I feel there is no privacy at all in this land and am very angry," he added in a tweet following the police visit to his home.

• Xan Rice, our man in Nairobi, reports on a curious development in the ongoing investigations in the post-election violence in Kenya a few years ago. Xan was on the scene at the time to report some of the worst incidences and has followed the twists and turns ever since...

A senior Kenyan politician accused by local rights groups of stoking the 2007/8 post-election bloodshed has taken the highly unusual step of flying to the International Criminal Court in the Hague in a bid to clear his name. William Ruto's move highlights the deep concern among some of Kenya's ruling elite over the ongoing ICC investigation into the violence, which saw more than 1,300 people killed. Ruto is the most powerful politician in the Rift Valley province, where the worst ethnic attacks took place.

9.37am: Before we go back to bed, Steven Morris has some heartwarming breaking news from GW Hurley's toy shop in Burnham-on-Sea . . .

It seemed to be Britain's most unwanted toy. For 40 years the cuddly lion stood on the stairs of the store, attracting the occasional admiring glance but no offers to buy.

If this had been a children's story, Hurley's Lion as the toy was nicknamed, would, no doubt, have shed a tear when the family-run shop in Burnham-on-Sea closed every evening.
But there is a happy ending. A customer finally came in prepared to stump up for the lion - at which point shopkeeper Colin Morris realised he could not bear to sell it.

Morris said: "When I talked to one of the ladies in the shop about it - she burst into tears. She had just become so attached to the lion over the years - we all have. So I told them I could not sell it. I have now taken it off sale - I just wouldn't let it go."

9.43am: We're on course to crash into the pips by a record 43 minutes. But that's about it, thanks for reading. I suspect the most we can claim for our substitute Today programme is that it showed how good the folks who do the real thing are. But then we're all still here aren't we? Nuclear armageddon averted! So that's something.

Final thoughts Lucy?

It's been an education (for a start, I've learned that I can't touchtype before 9am - I am pecking at the keyboard like a demented chicken) but it's been fun. As long as it never, ever happens again. Come back soon, BBC. We miss you xxxxx

9.43am: We'll leave you with a final item, some tips on this weekend's cultural events and debate on whether fighting zombies can keep you fit, in the company of John Plunkett, Catherine Shoard and Paul MacInnes. Bye...

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