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Sarah Palin prepares to board a boat in her home state. Sarah Palin's Alaska debuts today. Photograph: Gilles Mingasson/Getty Images 11am ET / 4pm GMT: Happy news! Not long to go before the debut of what will certainly be the television event of the year, the inevitable (and, frankly, surprisingly long time coming) Sarah Palin reality TV show, Sarah Palin's Alaska.

How many new words will this modern day Shakespeare coin over the course of this eight-part series? How many times will she wink and hint that she may or may not run for president in 2012? And most of all, will we finally get to see whether one can indeed see Russia from her house?

Join me on my big red sofa here at 9pm ET (2am GMT) tonight so we can watch and marvel together. Or, if you sadly don't have access to the cultural treasure chest that is US cable, you can just read and marvel as I try my best to transcribe Palin's extraordinary syntax.

8:55pm ET / 1.55am GMT : Only 5 minutes to go until - that's right! - Palin Time! It's like Hammer Time, but with less political credibility. Anyway, it might interest you all to know that the show that's on immediately before Sarah's on the TLC channel is a reality TV show called "19 and Counting", about a family with 19 kids. There is a certain theme to this channel's commissioning style. Anyway, start getting excited!

9:02pm ET / 2.02am GMT: Starting! Sarah says: "I love this state like I love my family." Wonder if this means she'll leave her family to pursue her TV ambitions as she did when she stepped down as governor of Alaska. Wink!

9.04pm ET / 2.04am GMT: Opening montage shows Sarah and her "surprisingly good looking family" (according to my sofa companion) fishin' and huntin' and raftin' and some awesome college rock music. Hoobastank? Hope so!

9:05pm ET / 2.05am GMT: "This summer we're setting aside some time to spend with the family", says Sarah. And a reality TV crew.

9:06pm ET / 2.06am GMT: Sarah likes to do her "researching" on the porch, looking at the lake. She's possibly looking for Russia because she doesn't seem to have any papers in front of her.

9:08pm ET / 2.08am GMT: Sarah and the slightly scary Todd (left) are bitching about the reporter who rented a house next door to them. Todd built a 14ft fence: "This is what we need to secure our nation's border", says Sarah. "How would you feel if some dude who was out to getcha was 15ft away from your kids," she wails. Aww, so protective of her kids! Admittedly she is complaining to a reality TV crew who are following around her teenage daughters and their boyfriends. But that's totally different.

9:10pm ET / 2.10am GMT: My sofa companion asks: "Isn't it strange that Palin's first real attempt to show her suitability as a presidential candidate is, not to bone up on foreign policy or reinstate herself as governor of Alaska, but to be on a reality TV show?" Yeah, well, he's an east coast elite. What can you expect? He doesn't understand the Real People.

9:13pm ET / 2.13am GMT: Ooh now we're seeing the raftin' Palins approaching a bear fishing, just to prove how down with nature. Unfortunately, they were criticised yesterday by the Alaska Wildlife Alliance for breaking rules and getting too close to bears. But "rules" is just another word for "big government trying to control the real people and turn them all into communists and send them to death panels", of course.

Sarah Palin and her team come face to face with brown bears. Photograph: TMZ.com / Splash News 9:16pm ET / 2.16am GMT: "This is so cool" giggles Sarah as the bear that they're harassing splashes about miserably in the water. "A lot of time they want you out of their territory," she says, as ignorant of irony as ever.

9:17pm ET / 2.17am GMT: By the way, I think Sarah just said her niece is called McKinley. Does everyone in this family have a surname as a first name? I say this as someone called Hadley so I know whereof I speak.

9:18pm ET / 2.18am GMT: "The only thing more frustrating than not catching a fish is watching Todd catch a fish" groans Sarah, like a grumpy wife on a lame sitcom. Oh, hilarious spousal bitching!

9:19pm ET / 2.19am GMT:The children are growling at the bears. By the way, bears? Do you get it? Like the mama grizzlies? Like what Sarah calls herself and Republican women? Get it? GEDDIT????

9:22pm ET / 2.22am GMT: Endless talking head shots of Sarah wearing a variety of zip up tops and the permanent pompadour. Weave? I say yes.

9:24pm ET / 2.24am: "It's such a shame to spoil this beautiful scenery with the Palins", says my friend Nick. Actually, isn't Alaska called Palinland now?

9:25pm ET / 2.25am GMT: Sarah's bitching about the neighbour again, saying her family life is "none of his business". By the way, did I mention she is saying this to a reality TV show.

9:26pm ET / 2.26am GMT: Ooh shot of Sarah almost working, sitting at a computer and showing off her pretty impressive legs. She's doing something for Fox. Or something. Anyway, she's stopped that now to flirt with her teenage daughter Willow's boyfriend.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol with ex-boyfriend Levi Johnston 9:28pm ET / 2.28am GMT: Oh, now there's a bit of to-ing and fro-ing about whether Willow's boyfriend is allowed to go upstairs with her. According to Sarah, the baby gate is to keep boyfriends out. Hmm, the words "gate", "horse", "bolted" come to mind. Anyway, Willow's boyfriend has vaulted over the gate. Deja vu, Levi?

9:32pm ET / 2.32am GMT: Ooh, we're now in the tv studio that Sarah built next door to her house. Todd, her "help mate", built it. Does this mean she's thinking of running for president? Or just going for celebritydom? Could go either way.

9:33pm ET / 2.33am GMT: Does she mind being mocked all the time? "Well, I kinda asked for it," she says. Out of the mouths of babes.

9:35pm ET / 2.35am GMT: They appear to travel around in a bus. Sarah's parents are joining them for a trip to a national park and - sorry, I can't type anymore. Sarah's camouflage jacket just made me throw up on my keyboard.

9:36pm ET / 2.36am GMT: Sarah's asked todd something about his thoughts on taxation. His response: "business is about rolling the dice." This, apparently, is the best thing he said in the whole time the camera crew were with them because it's his one
line they didn't cut.

9:37pm ET / 2.37am GMT: Sarah has, by my count, worn at least 756 zip up fleece tops with pointy lapels in 36 mins.

9:38pm ET / 2.38am GMT: They're about to climb a glacier. Which presumably she'll use as further evidence that climate change isn't happening because she's standing on a glacier.

9:39pm ET / 2.39am GMT: Sarah's now complaining about how "mother nature" dictates what activities they can do. As my friend Nick says, it's funny how it's always "mother nature" and "mama grizzlies" and so on. Ah, truly, the feminist dream come true.

9:44pm ET / 2.44am GMT: Is it worse to buy your way into political office by spending loads of dosh on adverts, or to self-publicise your way into it by making yourself into a brand as Palin seems to be doing? Well, after watching Palin talk about "socialisation" and listening to that voice for 45 mins, I'd say the latter. Just.

9:47pm ET / 2.47am GMT: Sarah and Todd are hiking the glacier and are tied together by a rope and are bickering like hell. "Todd and I have spent more time together in the past few months than we have for years," she says, with not an enormous amount of enthusiasm. Ah, family values.

9:48pm ET / 2.48am GMT: There's now a bit of menacing music, emphasising that Sarah might slip down an icy crevasse on the glacier. Gosh, I wonder if she will! Such suspense.

9:40pm ET / 2.49am GMT: She just straddled a crevasse. I bet there are some Tea Party men who would pay to see that.

9:50pm ET / 2.50am GMT: She didn't fall down the crevasse. What a shocker.

9:53pm ET / 2.53am GMT: She keeps emphasising that this is a celebration of Alaska, but no word on why, if she loves the state so much, she stepped down as governor 18 months early. Or her lack of interest on climate issues. Or anything, really. I realise that one can't expect much from a network that hosts a show called "Paralysed and Pregnant" but it's actually getting a bit weird the way no one ever challenges Palin on anything she says. Ever.

9:57pm ET / 2.57am GMT: She's surprisingly unsteady on the "craggly" glacier that she's hiking for an oft-professed outdoors woman. "I'm scared of heights," she says, a little too late. But! "I always wanted to go rock climbing," she says, although I guess she was just waiting all these 40 years she's been living in Alaska for a reality tv crew to accompany her. Ah, she's now not enjoying this climb at all and is yelling at the guide in a very patronising manner: "I was not a cheerleader or a gymnast!" she cries. "You always wanted to be a rock climber," the guide says. "Rock climber or rock star?" she asks, rhetorically, one imagines.

9:59pm ET / 2.59am GMT: She's still climbing that mountain - "to show I'm a fighter!", she says. And the thud you're feeling in your head is the sledgehammer hitting in the political metaphors.

10:01pm ET / 3.01am GMT: "It's fun when you reach the goal but I don't think I've been that challenged in a long time," she says, gazing at her kingdom from the top of the world. Good to squeeze in one last nudge nudge political metaphor as the credits rolls.

10:05pm ET / 3.05am GMT: Well that's it. To recap, this is what we learned: 1. Todd doesn't speak, 2. Sarah never shuts up, 3. Sarah might run for president. Or she might not, possibly because she is too busy attending to her mammoth collection of colourful sportswear. 4. Baby gates don't keep boyfriends out. 5. My God, that voice grates.
So did we learn anything new? The survey says: not a damn thing. The idea that this is just the first episode in an eight part series frankly boggles the mind. I'd rather watch another programme on this channel, Paralysed and Pregnant. Wink!

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